A host of Angels

“Ok folks, now I know you’ve had a long ride here and I’m sure you can’t wait to dive in to all the amenities that Heaven has to offer, but before we can let you do that we ask that you attend this little information session. Now don’t worry, I know what you’re probably thinking. You’re probably thinking ‘We were promised eternal glory in the house of the lord, rivers of milk and honey, the whole package. Why should we have to sit through this information seminar?’. Well folks, I promise I won’t take one more minute of your eternal time here than is absolutely necessary. My name, by the way, is Gazardiel, I’m the Angel of new beginnings, and I hope to guide you through your new beginning here in paradise eternal. Oh, I almost forgot to mention, we’ll have some light refreshment available for you shortly, and after the presentation there will be cake.

An ambiguously-gendered celestial being with the great brown wings of an eagle entered the room from a side door with a carafe of coffee in his right hand, and a bowl of popcorn in his left, which he placed on a long brown folding table next to a bowl of non-dairy creamer packs and a box a sugar cubes. Gazardiel cleared his throat. “That’s our summer intern Tariel, I don’t know how we ever got by here without him, he can clear a paper tray jam like nobody’s business, and you wouldn’t believe the cappuccinos he can pull. Everybody, let’s give Tariel a quick hand!”.

At once, a divinely ordained round of awkward applause went up among the twenty souls seated on metal folding chairs. Tariel flashed an unsure smile and with a quick wave, darted back out the door. “Ok, great, feel free to grab some coffee or popcorn at any point during the presentation. And now, let’s get started, ok?” Gazardiel flashed a smile at the attendees and picked up a small remote control from the lectern in front of him. “Ok, great, now, let’s see here…” He fumbled with the remote until a slide came up with a series of photos depicting life in a Paradise Timeshare. There was a woman sunbathing on a beach, sipping a fruity umbrella drink, a middle-aged man in bicycling spandex and stylish wraparound sunglasses riding in a race, an attractive thirty-something couple on a yacht at sunset, and an elderly couple enjoying a meal of lobster in a lavish restaurant. At the head of the frame, in a plain, 36-point sans-serif font, read the words “Flexibility. Luxury. Paradise”.

Gazardiel took a moment to gaze at the slide in self-satisfaction. “Ok folks, how many of you have been to a timeshare information session before, show of hands please?”. Five hands went up, meekly. “Five, ok, so not so many of you. How many of you are familiar with the concept of a timeshare resort? All of you? Great! Well, heck, I’m glad we’re all on the same page here!” Gazardiel laughed a hollow salesman laugh. The kind of laugh that’s made to let you know that you should have found that funny, like kids writing “LOL” in their text messages.

“Ok, so you may already be familiar with some of the benefits associated with timeshare units, great…” He looked down at the remote and clicked the “next” button. A new slide entitled “Why a timeshare in Paradise?” scrolled in from left to right. Gazardiel produced a laser pointer from the lectern and pointed at a big bulleted item, ‘affordable terms’. “Ok, so a lot of you are probably thinking ‘Gazardiel, how can I afford a beautiful timeshare in Paradise? After all, you can’t take it with you, right?’. He laughed at his own joke as the red dot twitched and skittered along the silver screen. “Well, we have some fantastic offers starting at zero down and only 7.54 percent annual interest for qualifying buyers! And this is for a fully-furnished condo, people. Not only that, but,” he paused to hit the ‘next’ button and waited as the former slide dissolved to make way for the third, entitled ‘internal exchanges’. “That’s right, we have a network of condos that you can reserve. Who here likes skiing? Show of hands?”. Several hands arose. “Ok, great, I have good news for you: We have a timeshare to satisfy you. I guarantee it. I love this company, and let me tell you something: I’m not only the marketing director here, I’m also a timeshare owner myself. I know what you’re thinking: ‘Gazardiel, how can you afford a luxurious timeshare on the salary of an Angel of the Second Sphere?’ I get no employee discounts, people. These timeshares are affordable. They’re value for money, it’s that simple. And you can afford one too!”. The angel smiled and pressed the ‘next’ button.

A new slide swirled up onto the screen, entitled “Timeshare: A sound investment”. “Ok, so a timeshare, what it gives you financially is the benefits of owning real estate. That’s right, it’s like owning property - But without the headaches! Not only that, but you can rent out your usage time if you’d like, or even sell it at a later date. Why would you rent a hotel room when you could buy the resort, am I right? We’re talking real, fractional ownership here. I’ve heard a lot of people talk about what a hassle their summer homes in Tahoe turned out to be when their pipes burst in the winter, or they came back in the spring only to find a tree had fallen on their house while they were away, and I really feel for those people, but let me tell you something: If they’d gone with a timeshare instead, they wouldn’t have had to worry about any of those things. That’s peace of mind, people. And you can’t put a price on that”.

His words rang out with a well-rehearsed air, and the seated souls glanced at each other furtively.

The final slide animated itself into place. It read ‘Paradise timeshare: Peace of mind, ultimate luxury, affordability. Sign up today!’ “So, Tariel is going to be coming in with cake, as promised, as well as some forms for you all to fill out, and after that, a host of Angels will stop by to answer any questions you might have about Paradise Timeshares. Again, my name is Gazardiel, Angel of the Second Sphere, Hashmallim, and Director of Marketing, you’ll find my card included in the paperwork that Tariel will be giving you. You’ve been a great audience, I hope to see you all soon at one of our many resorts!”
And the Angel of the Lord left for lunch.