The orientation

A roomful of new arrivals filed into a small theater filled with rows of metal folding chairs, and one by one they took their seats. The lights dimmed and a big screen TV hummed to life as the DVD screensaver flicked off. A trumpet sounded and the credits began to roll. Bold, glossy letters appeared with a surround-sound enhanced whoosh on the screen:

"A Metatron production". Fade to black.

"Welcome," said a deep, movie preview announcer voice in the darkness "to the official orientation session for your transition to the hereafter. I'm your host Metatron, spokesbeing for the Lord almighty. You might know me from my work with Moses," an image of a burning bush dissolved onto the screen "or my intercession with Abraham on behalf of Isaac." An image appeared of an old man holding a knife to a young man's throat, his hand stayed by a mighty angel. "Today I'm here to answer some common questions about your transition, and what you might expect in the millennia to come. So sit back and enjoy the show!"

A montage of nature scenes dissolved one into the next for a moment while an alto saxophone played smooth jazz in the background. Again, the voice of god rumbled forth from the speakers:

"One common question we hear from new arrivals is 'who is the Lord God, anyway?' To answer that question, we're going to take a miraculous trip through the history of creation. As you know, in the beginning, the Lord created the heavens and the firmament, the animals and man." An animation of the earth, water, light, the sun and the stars appearing from the void in succession appeared on the screen. "In those days, the Lord God was swift, vengeful, and jealous." There were images of plagues of locusts destroying crops, floodwaters sweeping away villages, screaming Midianites and the mutilated bodies of their comrades on the battlefield, fire and sulfur raining down on Sodom and Gomorrah and the subsequent charred wreckage of those cities, and finally terrified, wide-eyed frogs falling from the sky. "You might say those days were the spirited, adolescent years of the Lord", the voice of the spokesbeing of the almighty smiled with nostalgia.

"But just a few short millenia later, something changed..." A shot panned around a dimly lit stable and settled on a young couple lit by candlelight sitting on bales of hay. The soft strains of a string quartet wafted through the speakers. "Fatherhood brought the Lord God to a new understanding of life and love, and His wrath was tempered by a newfound tender idealism."

Another montage, this time of water transforming to wine, a multiplication of bread and fish, a worm's-eye view shot of sandals treading atop blue water in slow motion, and finally a boulder rolling away from the mouth of an empty cave.

"But over time, the Lord saw the failure of His socialistic ideals, and set about revising His plan yet again. Part of His revisions included changes to the entitlement programs of the hereafter, with the goal of weaning the souls of the saved off the programs they have become dependent on over the last two thousand years. Part of this orientation is to set straight any misconceptions you might have regarding these entitlements."

The images cut to a photogenic young woman with dark hair and green eyes. She gazed at the camera and with a smile on her face, asked "So, where are the luxuries that we were told about during our time on Earth?" The camera did a slow pan over crystal palaces and roads paved in gold. Metatron answered in his bone-rattling baritone "Those luxuries are still there, but we've repackaged your benefits into our new Paradise Timeshare program. The Lord believes that you are entitled to whatever your heart desires so long as you have the gumption to make it happen." The image on the screen cut to a diverse group of young people laughing over a lobster dinner at sunset and then faded to a young black man in a polo shirt. He looked up from his desk and asked "What about services, like the office of post-mortem reunions? "

The scene cut to a man embracing his grandmother and Metatron's voiceover continued "The Lord and His support staff are in the process of privatizing services such as the office of post-mortem reunions in an effort to increase efficiency for everyone" The smooth jazz continued as the man on the screen and his grandmother re-connected.

Another face appeared on the screen, this time a genial-looking older man who bore a striking resemblance to Ronald Reagan. He smiled and asked "Where will the money come from to create private sector jobs in the hereafter?"

The screen cut to a smart-looking man in a suit walking into a bank. The bank teller cocked her head and flashed a pleasant smile at the man. "The Lord has been hard at work designing, testing, and implementing his new "Take It With You" plan to address this problem. With this exciting new policy, if you have a savings account with a participating bank on Earth, your funds are eligible for transfer to a partner institution here in the afterlife. You can even decide how much, if any, of your funds you would like to leave to your loved ones back on Earth!"

"These are exciting times in the afterlife, and we're excited to have you onboard. If you have any further questions, please don't hesitate to ask a customer service representative at the number on the screen"

The lights went up, and the screen went blue. The souls slowly filed out of the theater.