Regarding the resume and cover letter submitted to the hiring manager in the Human Resources department yesterday, the following corrections should be made:
First, although “attention to detail” was the first item on the applicant’s list of skills and attributes listed at the top of his CV, he is, in fact, subject to severe adult-ADD and couldn’t focus on anything for longer than two minutes without appropriate medication. Especially for a task as mind-numbing as data entry. This was an oversight.
Second, from the same section, the applicant does not, in fact possess, “proficiency” in Microsoft Excel. He at best has a “passing familiarity” with it.
Next, although the applicant listed his last position as “sous chef”, he was in fact only a line cook. This is the only outright fabrication on the two documents, and the applicant regrets this. As a caveat to this retraction, the applicant wishes to convey to the reader that at one point the chef did, in fact talk about someday promoting the applicant to the position of sous chef.
Additionally, it may be the case that dates of employment were changed slightly to minimize the appearance of long-term unemployment. Although a concrete correction cannot be offered in this case, the applicant suggests that in the interest of factuality that the reader subtract an average of on to three months off each of his last three positions listed.
Finally, on the cover letter, first paragraph, third sentence, the applicant indicated that he wanted to “bring his passion for customer service to your company”. This should be amended to say that he wanted to “get a fucking job”. The applicant regrets this error and apologizes for any misconceptions that may have arisen from these errors, but wishes the express with the deepest sincerity that “Seriously, this fucking job isn’t goddamned rocket science. I mean, come on, guys.”
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